For thirty one years I said yes to everything.
Every invitation. Every opportunity. Every request for my time, energy, money, and presence. Someone needed something and I was always the first person they would call on. I thought that made me a good person because I’m reliable and oftenly generous but in all actuality, I was exhausted in a quiet, uncomfortable way that I didn’t want to admit because it made me feel… selfish. Like I have the resources to help, so why not help.
But what about me helping me?
Somewhere underneath the helpfulness was a person who also had things she wanted to accomplish.
The first real ‘no’ stung a little bit.
For my 32nd birthday this year, I just wanted to do something chill and relaxing, not having to entertain anyone, so when my friends and family hit up me to hang out, I told them how I was feeling and how I wanted to spend my birthday, and it did make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Everyone understood and no bad responses, but I still felt bad for feeling like I messed up the vibes. In the end, my solo birthday was amazing and I promised myself to do it more often outside of just birthdays.
By the 10th no, it still hurt, especially as a people pleaser, but I started to feel… liberated. The things I'm trying to build, the goals I'm working toward, I’m done putting my savings on the back burner to keep funding someone else's present at the expense of my own future.
And I can’t be mad because I created that person. None of them asked from a sense of entitlement. I just did it out of pure generosity because I saw a friend/family in need.
But I had to learn that I’m not a bad person or selfish person for wanting to put me first. My goals and dreams are just as important as theirs.
So I said it and I have to learn to stand on it and not take it back.
I'm still learning. That people pleasing spirit doesn't just go away. It lingers. It still shows up as a slight hesitation I make before I respond to a message or when I over explain a decision that really didn't require an explanation.
But this chapter is going to be different. I’m going to start showing up for myself the way I'd spent decades showing up for everyone else. That the boundaries I set are going to be ones I actually keep because for the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel like the things I want actually matter and are closer to coming true than I could ever imagine.
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